Cleo's Dating Blog

Lust v. Love

Posted on: January 9, 2012

Have you ever been in the middle of a conversation with someone and you can feel them judging you? The eyes give it away. Slightly squinted, not smiling, calculating. These are not eyes to be trusted. I think pretty people get this treatment a lot.

It’s similar to when you’re on a date with a guy and you can tell he is thinking of sexual things and not so much the conversation. He stares at your mouth, eyes get hazy, cheeks a little flushed, hands active.

The point is, judgement is everywhere and we can all agree that we too are victims of judging others. Isn’t that pretty much what people watching is? Or dating? Or match.com? Isn’t that one reason why we drink alcohol? The vodka cuts the apprehension of the judgement surrounding us.

With that said, I think people love to judge Cleo. However, as a self-proclaimed Goddess of Love, of course I am going to be challenged. This was my latest encounter with judgement:

I walk into a party. I know 10% of the people there. I find 0% attractive, physically. However, this is normal and I am just here to have a good time, anyway.

I try very hard to have an I-swear-I-am-friendly-but-would-prefer-if-you-didn’t-talk-to-me attitude. I just got off work, I was tired, and I did not have any excuses prepared for why I didn’t want to give out my number.

An hour into the party, a man approaches me. I smiled because I did not want to be considered a bitch but I made sure that it was the most fake smile possible so that I am not perceived as flirting or interested. We chat about nothing and he is cool enough to qualify for a brief encounter.

Then, he tells me, “You know, I have seen you before but I didn’t want to introduce myself. You act like you do not want to be approached or meet anyone new. Like you are too cool.”

He then proceeds to ask me questions about how many years my longest relationships was (two years) and how long I have been single. Within five minutes of knowing me,  he diagnoses my lack of a lover as being because I am too judgemental and unwilling to give chances. That I am looking for the wrong qualities in someone else. That looks should not matter so much.

I think, “Hmm, he may have a point.” I allow him to continue.

He becomes excited about the opportunity to prove that he knows the secret to finding love, which I would love to know, and forces me to sit next to him. He slides his chair oddly close. “Great, here we go,” I think sarcastically.

He goes on to tell the story of his past lovers and how important it is to just let yourself love as if you are unjaded, like a teenager. Only if you open your heart and fall head first, can you truly find love. This is fine, I could agree with these statements.

However, what I could not agree with was him spitting on my face while he talked or his HORRIBLE breath! Or the fact that he kept touching my arm despite me leaning away! I was seriously getting a headache. It should be illegal for this man to NOT be chewing gum.

I am not saying anything and am instead trying to shield my face from the waterworks. He takes my silence as a cue to continue rambling. I start daydreaming about how great it would be if the arsonist lit this apartment on fire so I could run away (just kidding!).  He is making good points but his delivery is horrendous.

Although I would love to tell him, “This painful conversation is exactly why I act the way that I do,” I spare him the embarrassment.

Yes, I believe love is more than just loving the way some looks. And yes, I believe loving wholeheartedly without baggage is important.

On the flip side, I am not a teenager… I know what I want in a guy. If a man is too afraid to approach me because I may not be batting my eyelashes, then he is not the man for me. If I can’t see myself ever wanting to rip his clothes off, then he is not the man for me. If he is not self-aware enough to realize that he has rancid breathe, then he is also NOT the man for me.

So, do I want lust or love? The answer is that I want BOTH. Attraction and personality are equally important and just because I do not give chances to every man I meet does not mean that I am too judgmental. I want someone who can offer me everything that I could offer someone. And I believe that this is not asking too much.

Be careful how you judge someone. As much as we want to believe that we know everything and how to live a fulfilled life, the things we want are different from one another. If we all stuck to judging our own lives, we would all be a little more pleasant and spit-free.

To each his own. -Cicero

best,

cleo

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2 Responses to "Lust v. Love"

i don’t think it’s possible for me to agree more with that last statement.

I can completely identify with your demeanor throughout that forced conversation. Finally, I thought no one understood..

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