Cleo's Dating Blog

Archive for the ‘Being Yourself’ Category

I went to the J. Paul Getty Museum last Tuesday with next big music sensation, Aishah. The experience was amazing, to say the least.

Aishah and I. Chercher la femme.

I have always wanted to be one of those people who is referred to as, “cultured”… but have yet to succeed. I know very little about history, very little about art, and even less about art history! But what is life if you do not try something new??

Taking the tram from the parking lot to the museum entrance, I could not help but ponder about my tiny existence on this planet (but I have no problem with “tiny” and all the adjectives associated: skinny, slim, petite, cute, small).

Stepping onto the golden, marble steps of the museum, the first thing I noticed was the immediate change in atmosphere from the gridlock Wilshire boulevard below, to the light, airy, and nurturing energy of the Getty. Wandering aimless, we opened ourselves up to the opportunity of discovering new treasures, meeting new people, and gaining enlightenment. I encourage you to do this in all areas of your life.

We spent a lot of time at the Gods of Angkor exhibit, learning about the spirituality of other lessor-known, beautiful cultures. My favorite discovery here was the yogini’s, women whose role is to destroy ignorance throughout the universe.

We spent a lot of time annoying security guards into helping us find the infamous Getty Central Garden.

We spent a lot of time meditating with the gorgeous LA skyline in the horizon.

Aishah, before she became infamously known as the Goddess of Song.

Since I was a little girl, whenever I look at classical paintings, drawings, or other works of art, I have trouble understanding exactly what I am looking at and why it is so valuable. Wahoo, a framed drawing of lemons in a bowl! As I said, I am not very cultured.

Oddly enough, what I remember most about my Getty experience is exactly that which I did not understand at first. I can not stop thinking about the painting entitled The Doctor’s Visit, by Frans Van Mieris, 1667.

Initially, I looked at this oil painting and thought, “Why is this here? Why is this so spectacular?” I decided to open my mind. Reading the description, the painting is said to feature a woman who fainted and a doctor that came to examine her (and a vile of her urine). The diagnosis is that she is suffering from love-sickness.

Love-sickness?! Despite a gown and head garment that I would NOT be caught dead in, me, her, and the rest of the present and past world, have something in common. Love hurts! Heartache was considered just as serious an illness as the flu or small pox or syphilis (well, maybe almost as serious). No matter how much we as humans have evolved,  no matter how much of the rain forest we destroy, and no matter how many medical discoveries we make, heartache has and always will exist. It is an unavoidable aspect of living life.

I find that beautiful.

Thank you Getty, thank you Aishah, and thank you art for making me realize that, although this life I lead is unique to me, we ALL are connected through love, through pain, and through life.

I am so tiny!

Lots of love and some love-sickness,

Cleo

xx

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Myself

Posted on: July 21, 2011

Have I been too focused on myself,

that I didn’t notice you were upset?

I didn’t know my words had hurt you,

that I even made you cry.

–//–

Have I been too focused on myself,

that I forgot to support you?

Your happiness means so much to me,

how could I neglect being there when you needed me.

–//–

Have I been too focused on myself,

that I failed to laugh with you?

Some of the best moments of my life were spent laughing with you,

how could I forget that.

–//–

Have I been too focused on myself,

that I didn’t realize I’ve been running?

I’ve been trying so hard to stay busy,

to forget that I feel lonely.

–//–

Have I been too focused on myself,

that I convinced myself I don’t need you?

I want to believe that I can live this life without help,

that all I need is myself and no one else.

–//–

Have I been too focused on myself,

that I no longer participate in the quest for love?

I wonder if there is a point to meeting someone new,

if it is just going to end anyway.

–//–

Have I been too focused on myself,

that I hardly see the world around?

Or maybe LA is changing me,

and this is exactly how I should be.

What I Want

Posted on: June 27, 2011

A few days ago I had one of those, “what am I doing with my life?” types of days. Why do I sit in traffic on the 405, 10, and 110 freeways? Why do I spend 30 minutes looking for parking every time I go somewhere? Why do I listen to Ryan Seacrest on the radio? Why do I spend $14 on a cocktail? Why do I do all this without gaining a dime in my pocket?

These thoughts became so frustrating that I had to turn to venting in my kitten pocket journal. I was going to tackle the, “what do I want out of life?” question once and for all. As I sat at Berri’s Cafe by myself (love this place, btw!), I began to unravel the mystery of Cleo’s Dream Life.

1. What do I want? The answer to this question can either be simple or complex. I choose simple. I want to be happy, but not only that, I want to be the happiest person you know.

2. How do I become the happiest person you know? To answer this question, I have to think about all the happy people I know in order to see what they have in common. My ex-boss at the finance place is definitely one of them. The F&B director at the restaurant I work at is one. My little cousin is one. The blonde girl from my high school swim team. The round guy that works at the Starbucks across the street. My goddesses. My girlfriend that started her own kick*ss company. My friend’s roommate from Mexico. As I am creating this list however, I can not be 100% sure that any of these people are actually happy. The only way I can judge their level of happiness is by how I intuitively feel around them on a consistent basis, whether their eyes are happy more often than not, how frequently they laugh, and how they treat other people.

All of the people I mentioned have widely different financial statuses, live in different parts of the world, are of all ages, and range from married to single to everything in between. They are of all different zodiac signs, have extremely different professions, and some have a lot more chiseled abs than others. What is the conclusion?

1. Money does not make you happy.

2. A relationship does not make you happy.

3. Being a gym rat does not make you happy.

4. Living in LA does not make you happy.

5. Being a Taurus does not make you happy.

6. Your Gucci bag does not make you happy.

The common denominator between these happy people I mentioned and those I did not mention is not what they have in their life or what they do to fill up their time. What sets these few people apart from the rest is the outlook they choose to have on life, day in and day out. How happy you are is your own choice. You choose if you let that parking ticket ruin your day. You choose if you laugh at someone’s joke. You choose if you smile and if you genuinely mean it. You choose if you spend more money than you make. You choose if you walk with a spring in your step and your shoulders back. You choose whether you judge another person. You choose if you get jealous. Your outlook on life is all up to you.

This is an empowering concept.

Today I choose to do my best to have a happy outlook on all of my circumstances. I choose to declare that I am the happiest person you know, even though I may not be in reality… yet. I choose to pursue interests and people in my life that make me feel happy and supported. I choose to be as picky with my thoughts as I am with my food, my men, and my wardrobe. I choose to smile because it feels good (and everyone always tells me how pretty it is). I choose happiness because this means I will enjoy the journey of today as much as the arrival of tomorrow.

Luv,

Cleo

I find my mind rewriting my past.

Not out of regret,

but mostly out of curiousity,

and a little out of longing.

–//–

If my past had been different,

my today could be different.

I could be different,

More wise,

Less weak.

–//–

If my parents had only been less critical,

Maybe I would not have to work so hard at being confident.

If I had only picked better friends when I was young,

Maybe I would have known what being a Goddess felt like sooner.

If I had been less submissive and more tenatious,

Maybe I would know more about how to get what I want out of this life.

If I had spent less time partying and more time connecting,

Maybe I would have less friendships that fell through.

If I had been a better listener to myself,

Maybe I would have declared my life passions earlier.

–//–

Despite these thoughts,

Nothing could be better than this moment right NOW.

I am not broken, I am not scared, and I am ready for more.

Maybe things would be different today if I could rewrite the past.

but the chance to write the future supersedes all that.

xx,

C

I am two years out of college. Actualizing that in my mind is strange. It feels like it’s been ten, long, unpredictable, and eventful years (but I definitely don’t look that way, wink*).

Generally speaking, my college experience was probably similar to most. I was always surrounded by friends, always meeting new people, and always planning and looking forward to the next big get together. Most of my meals were eaten in groups, a week did not go by where someone did not crash on our couch, I never woke up to an empty apartment, and there was always someone willing to play beer pong with you, no matter what time of day. We studied together, watched Gossip Girl together, abused our livers together, and laughed together- always so much laughter. I never felt lonely, never felt bored (unless I was in class), and never had trouble finding someone to share a memory with.

Graduating and entering the working world was a harsh reality shake. Looking back on my life after college thus far, I struggled. Before I could say, “cheers, we graduated!”, I was working a 9-5 job, eating my meals alone, being bored out of my mind, and not making many new friends. I spent more time in my car by myself than I ever had before and had less motivation to be social than I had before. Hanging out was no longer spontaneous and had to be planned, being randomly hung over all day was now much more painful, and skipping work was not nearly as easy as skipping class.

Since I am very much a mind-over-matter type of gal, at the time, I refused to believe that I was not happy. It was not that I wanted to go back to the college years, I just missed that family feel. I have an old soul so I liked the idea of growing up, but I did not like the idea of not having a steady support group to share  it with.

On top of it all, single felt so much different than it used to! Single used to mean that I had too many options to choose from and was readily available for new ones at any moment. Now single felt like a synonym for lonely and a precursor to a spinster, old cat lady lifestyle.

As I said, it has been two years and I am only starting to adjust. However, I know I am not alone in this struggle. How? Because I see a lot more sad eyes in the working world than I ever did in college. I believe many people are struggling at this very moment, but without a known solution, we learn to deal with it instead of change it.

In college things just happen and outside factors are constantly pushing us forward. We flow to this party, drink too much, then flow home… the next day. We attend class, are told exactly what to do, do it, and then repeat. Our four years are planned in advance down to the very hour, we have a good idea what life will be like in the next few months, and we are not concerned with being unemployed or not having health insurance. As long as there is Plan B then there is nothing to worry about! (totally joking)…

In post college life, there is no set path. Anything could happen or nothing could happen and it is all up to you. It is up to you if you have a job. It is up to you if you stay in a job you don’t like of if you choose to pursue a job you do like. It is up to you to set your own goals, challenge yourself, and keep learning. It is up to you where you live, how much money you save, and who you chose to spend time with. It is up to you to put the effort into meeting new people, maintaining relationships, and creating a network of like-minded people. It is up to you if you chose to feel lonely or do something to change that.

There is no blueprint or case study. No one’s path will mirror your own. Nothing is guaranteed. So how are we supposed to know what to do?

Stay true to yourself and follow your intuition. Figure out what is important to you, and go after it zealously. Don’t get comfortable with mediocre. Cut yourself slack… if you are not making mistakes, then you are not trying.

I have made large changes in my life recently. For example, I quit a steady job to pursue writing, am selecitvely choosing a fantastic group of goddesses to surround myself with, have decided to be nothing but myself in every situation (especially with men!), and have made up my mind to fight for what I want (assuming I figure out what that is).

Although the future is unstable, deep down I feel a sense of peace knowing that I am not taking life lightly. Even on days when June gloom makes it hard to get out of bed, I feel my savings account slowly dwindling, and my love life looks like a huge zero on paper, I know I am growing and heading somewhere positive.

Growing up is hard! But if we do it together as a collective group of unique  individuals, it really can be exciting to realize how much power you have on the outcome of your life.

Luvy,

Cleo xx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For those of you who have read some of my past posts, you know that I am really big on eye contact. Really good eye contact wakes up an often dormant part of my soul and pumps a passion into my bloodstream unlike anything else.

I used to use eye contact predominantly as an intimidation method, a way to pretend that I am confident when I did not feel it, or to signify that I am not afraid. Now I use eye contact because I enjoy it. I enjoy the feeling of having a true presence and how much you can learn about someone else if you look hard enough.

My mind is always doing a million things at once. For example, write now I am focused on this post, but I am also listening to the Death Cab for Cutie song playing at Starbucks, visualizing a recent snap shot of a conversation that inspired this post, planning my outfit for after work tonight, and sporadically thinking about sex (don’t we all?).

Not to sounds too analytical, but I find that every time I have a conversation with someone, man, woman, child, stranger, or friend, I unleash my laser-like eye contact and look beyond the words. I may be verbally engaged, but I can’t help but also be intrigued by what your eyes are telling me. Often I like to take a silent moment just to observe and look into someone’s eyes.

Many people are great at hiding their emotions (I am definitely not one of these people), but it is very hard to fake the message your eyes are giving. Sometimes I see bored or preoccupied eyes. Sometimes I see happy, engaged eyes. Sometimes I see tired eyes.

Lately, I have seen a lot of sad eyes. A person could be smiling, talking about a fun memory, or excited about a future event, but in the eyes I see pain, struggle, heartache, and unfulfillment. This makes me sad and I begin to wonder if my eyes look sad too. I want so much to help transform sad eyes to happy eyes. I believe a little charisma, support, and care can do this. Although change is ultimately determined by each individual’s own choices, we could all use a little help when life tugs at our happiness.

I notice that I love being around happy eyes, although harder to find. I feed off of the positive energy and I believe my eyes become more happy as well.

The interesting thing is that both sad eyes and happy eyes are beautiful. Emotions are beautiful. Our souls are beautiful. The way our eyes can communicate that which words can not say is beautiful. How we need each other and how we want to be seen is beautiful. It is beautiful how we all will, at some point, have both happy eyes and sad eyes.

Take time to notice those around you, appreciate the connection, and spread support. There is nothing quite like a pair of happy eyes to make the sun feel warmer, stress lighter, and love not so elusive.

All the best,

Cleo

I never thought being sexy would have a downside. The grand vision of being sexy comes only with perks… 1. greater self-confidence, 2. better pick of a love mate, 3.  making everyone jealous, 4. better looking friends, 5. free stuff, and the list goes on.

Despite the perks, there are definitely some downsides.

First, women can be catty. Often women do not expect a pretty girl to be genuine, sweet, or caring, but honestly, most good-looking girls in LA do NOT remotely come across as any of these things, so I can understand the misconception. However, if shown respect, women typically get over this initial hostility and allow camaraderie to take hold. <3

More importantly, a huge downside to being ridiculously sexy is dealing with ignorant men. Ah! If you are too sexy, most men stop thinking altogether. Self awareness and perception of reality go out the window. All they want is to touch, bribe, and persuade. What ever happened to two people getting together because of mutual feelings?? It is tunnel vision focused on physical gratification. If I can just get her to my place, if I just tell her I miss her all the time, if I just get her a little drunk, if I just tell her she looks beautiful, if I just trap her in the bathroom, if I show her how horny I am [all true events]… then she will let me have my way. Wrong! A highly intuitive and observant woman, such as myself, will not be fooled by these ploys (again- we have all made our mistakes). Frankly, it is repulsive. There is nothing quite as unattractive as a man with no self-control or respect, and these men are a dime a dozen. I have actually started telling them, “you are just like every other guy.” Shockingly to me, they get offended. If my honesty offends you, you definitely need to take a long look in the mirror.

Not only is their behavior repulsive, but often these men are physically disgusting to the point where I am personally offended that they think I would even consider naked dancing in their sheets. Where did they get the nerve? Your advances are making me feel dirty and ugly. I would rather never have sex again (or for the first time, wink*) than see you naked.

I used to wonder if maybe I was doing something to lead men into thinking I was interested. Sometimes I catch myself, but most times, I could not be more blunt. “No, I am NOT interested” could not get more clear to me. If I want you (and assuming you are thinking coherently), you will know. If you are not sure, than I am probably not sure either.

Overall, I find that I am increasingly more interested in finding ways to be left alone. An invisibility cloak would be amazing! I hate being touched, talked to, stared at, or pursued if I do not want to be. What I once interpreted as flattering is now obnoxious. It’s not like I walk around with plastic boobs, glitter shorts, and stripper heels

Oh the journey of dating is so much fun. Single for life!

Love you,

Cleo