Archive for the ‘Loving Single’ Category
To Be, Or Not To Be
Posted on: March 15, 2011
- In: Being Yourself | Loving Single | Men
- 3 Comments
This really is the most recent question I have been asking myself over and over again. I try not to give too much credit to the stars, but damn, I am such a Libra sometimes.
First, I just want to say that I am very sorry for not writing as often. I am going through a transitional, figure-my-sh*t-out phase in my life and it causes me to not have enough hours in the day for everything that I would like to do. But trust me, I think about you all the time. Good news is that things are going very well! For example, I am hoping to get some of my writing published internationally! Yet to be announced, but I will definitely keep you updated.
Anyway, back to “the question.” My current dilemma revolves around this idea: To be, or not to be… a player? There are many varied interpretations of the word player, i.e. man-eater, flirt, heart-breaker, whore, etc. Except for flirt, I do not want to be any of these things. By player, I simply mean a single gal who dates, whether often or not, and does not commit until committed to. The problem is that this is not necessarily what I want to do, but the Libra side of me is telling me that I must do this in order to achieve balance in my love life.
I find that I am extremely multidimensional. I constantly feel as though I have a cute angel on one shoulder and a sassy devil on the other and each is trying to dictate my decisions. The hard part is that both are charming, genuine, and make great arguments! Oh which side do I chose? Indecisive Libra has trouble picking one or the other.
Thus, I keep flip-flopping between the two. One day all I want is a loving, committed relationship and the next day I feel like living by the F*ck Love, Thug Life motto (shout out to my beezy!).
The angel side of me is ready for the challenge of a relationship- but only with the right person. The angel is ready to learn new things and to mature emotionally. She is not afraid of being vulnerable or the pain that comes with it. However, she is wise enough to know not to make the same mistake twice. She is smart in the risks she takes and very logical. The downside is that her complete selflessness often gets her mistreated.
So what happens when the uncontrollable aspects of life are applied? What should be done when what the angel wants is not an option? The innocence and purity of the angel usually means she has no back-up plan. She dives right in the deep end and hopes not to drown. Oh, it is always a risky ride when the angel takes control of my heart!
When the plan fails, this is when the flirtatious devil usually pounces. The devil has 15 back-up plans of all hair colors, body shapes, and income levels. The devil is always entertained- at least on the surface level. She is approachable, irresistible, and dangerous. Her eyes suck you in and her lips make you stay. The focus is no longer on the happiness of another, but faced inwards on personal pleasure and gain. Beware of her, she can be ruthless.
Living in LA makes being devilish easy. There are so many options and it is so easy to find a suitor wherever you go. As long as I can master ignoring the angel, being shallow, and living carefree, then I could have tons of fun! However, my ongoing battle illustrates that I am not as good at this as it appears to observers.
Thus, I am currently torn between living the easy, carefree life of a no-strings-attached LA single or continuing along the tumultuous journey of the hopeless romantic, love-hungry sweetheart. Since no definitive decisions have been made, right now I am trying to do both at the same time. I will let you know if I implode.
For now I think of this: If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it’s your forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.
xxx,
Cleo
Meditation Word of the Day
Posted on: February 23, 2011
Forgiveness.
Have you forgiven those who have hurt you and caused you suffering? You know who they are. Could you say it out loud and with conviction to yourself? I forgive [insert name]. Could you say “I forgive you” to their face? Can you say it with an open heart and eyes of compassion?
If you answer these questions genuinely with a yes, you should be smiling. You should feel like flying and dancing. I recently realized how absolutely beautiful forgiveness is. It must be one of the purest forms of human-to-human love. And isn’t life better with a little love?
Much like closure, the concept of forgiveness and forgiving those who hurt us is very important. Mostly it is important for our personal growth, development as adults, and ultimate joy. All three sound good to me! Take time to listen to yourself and see if there is anyone in your life you need to forgive. You will be so glad that you did. Promise!
Yours truly,
Queen Cleo of Forgiveness and Understanding
-//-//-
Can you forgive yourself?
The Importance of Closure
Posted on: February 14, 2011
- In: Being Yourself | Loving Single | Men
- 1 Comment
Closure is a necessity. You must get closure when any relationship ends. Closure is not about getting the last word, about making someone feel guilty, about keying his car (you know who you are!), about drunk texting, or even about the other person at all. Closure is about you.
If you expect to move on in a timely manner you must find closure. I was going to make a list of all the different types of closure, but the list would really only have one item on it: have a conversation. I have never tried “breaking up” via text but I doubt it provides as much closure relief as a live face-to-face or phone conversation. However, what I can make is a list of the steps of how to have a successful, relieving “talk” to achieve ultimate closure. See below:
1. Meditate. You do not need to worship idols in order to meditate. Lightening is not going to strike you. Simply spend 10, 30, or 1,000 minutes alone without any distractions (i.e. no iphone, pandora, or Jersey Shore re-runs in the background). Take a deep, slow breath and recognize the inhale and the exhale. Take note of your heart beating. Then take time to identify your emotions- your sadness, your frustration, your fear, your anxiety, your regret. These feelings are not bad. Although part of life, they are only temporary and will pass in time (if you take the proper steps)- that is a guarantee. Promise.
Next, prepare for the task ahead. You need to confront the person you are trying to “get over.” Use your own judgment to assess whether phone, email, or in-person is best. Then think of everything you ever wanted to know, ask, or say. Write down notes if necessary. Then just do it!
2. Hold nothing back. Now is not the time to second guess yourself. Be bold in how you express yourself and remember that is not a matter of wrong or right. If you feel a certain way, you are entitled to express it- just make sure you avoid the “blame game.” That makes you look like a d-bag.
3. Listen. Any person remotely invested into a relationship will also have opinions and/or a rebuttal. Do not immediately resort to being defensive when your ex-lovey voices his or her statement. Make sure you listen with an open mind since, as previously mentioned, it is not about who is wrong or right. The point is just to get everything out in the open so neither party needs to harbor untapped feelings.
4. Reflect. Do some post-conversation reflection. This stage is where you deal with it. So no brushing your feelings off to the side. It is over and you should feel better soon.
5. Mourn. If needed, be sad for a little while. Yet the key is to make sure that you are moving forward everyday- each day that passes should get easier. If not, you need to suck it up and find a way. No one can fix you but yourself.
6. Get back out there! Pity time is over. Date, flirt, dress sexy, laugh, take risks, have fun, be a little wild. Yet, do not ever forget your standards. Avoid rebounds that are a step down… avoid drunken rebounds altogether.
7. Repeat As needed. I hope it won’t be necessary, but if the path of my life is any example, this process will be used more often than you expect.
—–
Lucky me, I Stumbled upon a great article pertaining to this same issue. It is entitled, How to Let Go of a Past Relationship. It quotes Thich Nhat Hanh that, “The amount of happiness that you have depends on the amount of freedom you have in your heart.” The author lays out 10 ways to start moving on and the importance of doing so. At the end, she adds a personal statment saying:
“It took me eight years to work through my feelings about relationships and letting go; but I am happy to report I am 15 months into a healthy relationship, standing firmly on my own two feet…. I don’t regret the time when I was single, but I know now I could have hurt less and created even more possibilities for myself if I put more effort into completely letting go. I hope you’ll make that choice.”
—-
One thing people tend to say when a romantic relationship ends is, “I still want to be friends.” In most cases, I say this is a lost cause. Sure, it is a nice idea, but I would like to paraphrase Cindy Chupack in The Between Boyfriends Book to explain why (thank you to my lovely friend for letting me borrow it!): The person you are trying to get over can NOT also be the one comforting you. Do not fall for this trap; it will only make things more difficult.
If that is not reason enough (or if you just want to be reminded that there are other hot men in the world) have a listen to my future boyfriend, Trey:
I hope this post helps you in whatever you are going through. I know it has helped me a lot just to write it!
Much Love,
Cleo
Playing Games
Posted on: February 8, 2011
- In: Being Yourself | Loving Single | Men
- 1 Comment
After all the romantic comedies, dating advice books, episodes of Sex and the City, and failed relationships, are dating games still necessary?
My initial response is, “no.” As long as we are straight forward and honest, games should not be necessary. However, after greater reflection, I realize that this is a much more difficult question to answer than with a simple yes or no response.
Sometimes I like to pretend to be a thug and think, “Don’t hate the playa, hate the game.” This is true to an extent… playa’s just tryin’ to survive! But what exactly is “the game” and why are we all tempted to play it?
The Game
Since we are all individuals of unique ideas and thought, what we interpret as “the game” is going to be different. Here are some broad categories of games we play:
1. Player– There is a level of respect to be gained by those who are highly desired. The more men or women who want you helps to reinforce that you are hot, you are a catch, and other people are jealous of you. Urban dictionary says,
“The more game a playa has, the more respect they command in their community. A person who has enough game (and hence, enough respect) can do whatever they want, dress however awful (or tacky) they want, say whatever crazy things they want to say, and still win the adoration of others. Often these skills are used to earn sexual or material favors…”
Everyone is tempted by a sexual or material favor at some point in their life… not everyone indulges. Social stature is also desirable, especially in the City of Angels. Thus men and women tend to date multiple people at one time, constantly have a wandering eye, and never put all their eggs in one basket. Is this wrong? Nope! If you are not in a committed relationship, not only is it good to keep your options open, but keeping your funnel full (concept stolen from Jessica McCan’s book, You Lost Him at Hello), can help you to protect yourself from getting attached to one person too quickly and consequently, getting hurt.
However, does being a player potentially jeopardize your chances of being deemed trustworthy? Yes. Can being a player cause your ego to grow larger than it should? Yes. Is a player lifestyle time-consuming and exhausting? Definitely.
Being too much of a player can also be a sign of insecurity. It can signal a fear of commitment and a fear of opening up to another- a recipe for a relationship disaster. Measuring your worth by how many dates (or hoes) you have is not healthy either- you are mostly likely just a number to someone else as well.
Thus, there is a level of being a player that is necessary and a level that is excessive. Practice is the best way to figure out your own happy medium- as it is different for everyone and at changes at different stages in your life.
2. Hard to Get– Women are always told that men love “the chase”. My idol, Sleeping Beauty, practiced this method and was wildly successful. But, could this strategy be just a fairy tale?
Playing Hard to Get is where a woman (or man) makes a conscious effort to give off the image of being independent, in high demand by other suitors, busy to the point of being unavailable, and being unimpressed by small gestures. A true master of this art accomplishes all the aforementioned images while concurrently encouraging further courtship by dropping intriguing hints of positive feedback- i.e. being sexy or mushy at just the right moment. This game also supports the theory that men love bitches, that they like a woman with a little sass and attitude to keep them on their toes. Confidence.
It is one thing to play hard to get, it is quite another to be hard to get. To a certain point, you should be busy, independent, confidently express your opinions, and have high expectations- no games. Too much playing and putting on a front will never get you where you want to go. Be who you really want to be so you do not have to pretend.
However, there is a time when this strategy is necessary in nurturing growth and I can give you a personal example. On my quest to become a dating guru, I am constantly evaluating myself. Thus, it seems that every time I date a guy I actually like, there is an ever persistent dating cycle…
First, I am only somewhat interested and extremely skeptical that this dude might be psycho.
Second, he is aggressive, sweet, and thoughtful. He plans dates, texts me good morning, etc. I feel in control of my emotions.
Third, things progress smoothly. I am happy and I let my guard down.
Fourth, sweet things slow almost to a halt. Statements such as, “you just have to trust that I miss you” are thrown into the mix. I become confused, needy and not in control.
Fourth, I finally realize that I am getting clingy! Not what I want to be. Something must be done.
Fifth, I convince myself that I should not feel as strongly as I do. After a few days, I actually am convinced. Playing hard to get becomes being hard to get once again. I am back in control.
Sixth, man senses change and tries harder. I scale back the addiction to over analyze each action. Things are good again. Yet, guard is back up, I am realistic again, and I am not so quick to bet on a future. After all, if you did not know already, Sleeping Beauty is not very realistic.
Seventh, well I honestly haven’t gotten this far in a while, so this step is TBD. Usually at this point I realize I am not interested anymore and I move on. When this changes, you will be the first to know.
Therefore, in my case, playing hard to get is sometimes necessary in gaining control of my emotions and getting my mojo back. Definitely worth it.
3. Jealousy– If you mix category one, player, with category two, hard to get, you get the jealousy category. By flaunting your player status to prove your worthiness, you are attempting to use jealousy to reel in a love interest. I have never found this to work. Making someone intentionally jealous is not an attractive quality. There will be enough times that you do it inadvertently, please refrain from high school tendencies. It’s not cute.
Roughly, these are the three main types of games I have come into contact with. If this were a book instead of a blog post, however, I’m sure I could write a lot more. As I explained, in some cases games are necessary, and in some they are more harmful than good. The only way you will know where you stand is by practicing, re-evaluating, trying new things and, of course, reading this blog!
Much Love,
Cleo
Modern Love, NY Times
Posted on: February 8, 2011
I am so very elated at this moment. I have found my writing sisters! If you would like add some more insightful dating prose to your daily routine, read the Modern Love column of the NY Times.
Always Be Closing
Posted on: February 1, 2011
- In: Being Yourself | Experiments | Loving Single | Men
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“Put that coffee down. Coffee is for closers.” I am not sure if I ever would have seen the movie, Glengarry Glen Ross, if it were not for my California Real Estate class in college. I typically only watch movies with men in suits if they are hot men in suits. However, this movie was actually hilarious and practical. About the tumultuous, back-stabbing industry of real estate, viewers can easily see how manipulative money-hungry salespeople can be.
In the movie, Alec Baldwin acts as the slave driver. Through intense verbal abuse, he attempts to motivate his salespeople into closing deals. “We’re adding a little something to this month’s sales contest. As you all know, first prize is a Cadillac Eldorado. Anybody want to see second prize?… Second prize is a set of steak knives. Third prize is you’re fired.” Despite any and all code of ethics being left at the door, we could learn a thing or two about relationships from this movie.
Although the correlation may not be blatantly clear, dating and being a high pressure salesperson are oddly related. How? Because in the end, we are our own salespeople. We all want to close the deal. However, the way we interpret what “the deal” is, may be different. Whether your goal is a relationship, to get laid, to get presents, to get phone numbers, to get free drinks, or to get attention, we all have varying conscious or subconscious motives. For example, if I am motivated to get a free drink, I know exactly what it takes to accomplish this. Initiate conversation, smile, lean in close, laugh at his (or her) jokes, hint at being thirsty, etc, etc… Deal closed.
A short-term goal is a lot easier to accomplish than a long-term goal. Thus, closing the deal on a relationship is much more difficult than closing the deal on getting a phone number, for example. When a goal requires a time commitment, the screening process is increasingly more rigorous, the likelihood of cooperation by the other party is much more challenging, and assessing progression toward reaching the goal is much more ambiguous. So, how can you help yourself close the deal on a relationship? Read the Bible…. but if you prefer not to, I will try to answer this question in less than 60 testaments.
1. Be patient. This commandment is mostly for your own well-being. Closing the deal with the wrong person is far worse than being single. So be patient my grasshoppers! You will know if you have found the right person if you follow your instincts.
2. Be brave. One of the main goals of starting this blog was to help me to be brave- to do things I normally would not (and it is working!). I am learning to be candid about my feelings/thoughts and to address issues as they come up (instead of holding in emotions). I am learning to ask for feedback straight from the man-source himself. I am learning to take the initiative in making the first move- initiating the first conversation, being the first to confess an emotion, being the first to do a surprise act of kindness, being the first to admit wanting a relationship. However, the key is not the brave act itself, but the attitude behind it. It is possible to be brave and needy or brave and stupid. What you want is to be brave and confident. Thus, you must accept nothing in return. If you do something nice for someone, do not expect them to shower you with gratitude and attention. Have a pure heart. If you do something brave, be proud simply of your accomplishment and how you are growing more comfortable in your own skin. Do not be discouraged if someone does not respond as you would hope- this may just mean you do not know the person as well as you thought or that you are not a great match, after all.
3. Be cool. You will not close every deal, thus you must be fine with this. And it is imperative that you jump back up and try again. However, if you are “cool” all the time, your chances of failure are much lower. As a friend once told me, “the key to getting a guy to be comfortable to be in a relationship is just to be the coolest girl ever.” Let him go out with his friends without feeling like he has to check in. Do not gossip and complain about everything. Let small arguments go and do not bring them back up again. Give compliments; tell him how he turns you on. Go on top.
I need to make a request. Ladies, please do me a favor and stop being so possessive and clingy… you are ruining my chances of a relationship! I swear the last three men I wanted to have a serious relationship with are/were deathly frightened of having a controlling, domineering girlfriend that I almost had no chance!! If you feel the urge to run his schedule and his life, there is a serious trust issue and/or you seriously need some goals and hobbies. Keeping him home on a Saturday is not going to fix either of those problems. Men need to know that not all women are the same.
Just be cool all the time.
4. Be creative. Keep things fresh. As I mention in my “About” section, when it comes to dating (or life in general), how can you do the same things over and over but expect different results? If you get bored in relationships, do something different, something wild. Take shots together on a Monday night for no reason. Text something more interesting than “good morning” when you wake up. Think of a pet name less generic than “babe.” If something is bothering you, instead of getting all heated and sassy, take a different approach. Joke about it, pamper him or her with kisses and bring up the issues in a cute way, use bribes. There are many ways of resolving conflicts other than through arguing. Get jealous in a playful way instead of a bitchy way.
5. Be irresistible. Aim at being someone who is hard or impossible to say no to. Sell yourself! Put your game face on and go after what you want. Be sexy, be intelligent, be caring, be amazing. How do you know if it is working? Simple… listen, be curious, and ask questions. Give your love interest no reason not to want to be with you. A little manipulation is okay, hehe.
I hope you find this post helpful and inspiring to go out there and close the deal that you want. Yet, do not forget to respect each other and be honest- karma can be merciless.
Happy Hunting,
Cleo, Goddess of Interhuman Connection and Harmony
Texting Etiquette
Posted on: January 29, 2011
- In: Being Yourself | Loving Single | Men
- 2 Comments
Text me. Sext me. Bbm me. Instant communication is all the rage these days. Some people even receive facebook notifications on their phone faster than it would take to receive a phone call- you know who you are.
With the current advances in technology, our expectations of the response time of others has also changed. I have friends that consistently take over 24 hours to respond to a text message and they live in the same city… an entire day! This is unacceptable. I know I am not the only one to receive this type of treatment. No matter our personal preferences, I’m sure we all have people in our lives (friends, family, lovers) that have frustrated us via text.
In regards to relationships, it should be common knowledge that communication is key. This applies to boyfriends, wives, friends, coworkers, the maintenance guy, and everything in between. Thus, to help keep the lines of communication open and flowing, we could all use a little lesson on how to excel in text messaging. After all, your text messaging skill level could be setting the pace of your relationships and determining their ultimate longevity.
As with most things, the longer you have been in good standing with someone, the more leniency you have. My best of friends could take 10 hours to respond and under general circumstances, it would not affect our relationship whatsoever… unless the text is, “hey, I am outside your house, please let me in.” I may love you but I will not wait outside your house for 10 hours.
Here are some general guidelines on proper text messaging etiquette:
1. Exercise timely response time. Whether or not your intention, how long you take to respond to a text message can signal to the recipient the degree to which you respect their time, romantically or otherwise. Based on the text message and nature of your relationship, use your judgment as to what should be considered poor, good, or excellent response time. If your response time is in fact poor, a simple apology text should suffice, i.e. Sorry for the delay, I was [at the gym, sleeping, at work, on a date, masturbating, etc.]. Of course, you can omit the apology text if you actually do not care.
Personally, I appreciate fast response time and thus try to reciprocate this to others. I am a busy bee, and so are most of my friends, so I can understand the relief when information is relayed quickly. Also, if I do not respond quickly, it is likely that I may forget to respond altogether, and I do not want to be misinterpreted or mistaken for rude.
Similar to the golden rule that we should have all been raised to abide by, text others as you would like to be texted. Do your best to avoid text that are ambiguous or could be easily misinterpreted. A little extra effort goes a long way.
General Rules to remember:
– If you are texting a love interest, a lapse of time in texts received does not automatically mean that he or she has lost interest. Have some self confidence.
– Give people the benefit of the doubt. For example, I am learning that most people do not have jobs where their phone is right next to their mouse pad or do not have a dangerous addiction to texting while driving (which I need to stop), like I do. Be lenient.
– Just be cool. Impatient follow up texts sent 5, 10, or 30 minutes later are not attractive. Choose to have some faith and let go of being uptight (remember, true ballers are never waiting).
2. Do not forget to use personality. It is definitely possible to be boring via text. As with all types of communication, quality is preferred over quantity. Just because a text is a brief message does not mean you can stop being interesting, creative, and witty. Put in some effort; it is obvious when you do not. Use punctuation, smiley faces, questions, silly comments, flirt, and do not be afraid to laugh. More than anything, be 100% yourself… and never send a text that just says, “K.”
3. Avoid texting too much and texting too little. Use balance to judge the quantity of your texts. For example, if you met a girl at a club and texted her 10 times with no response, she is NOT interested and you are rapidly approaching creeper status. If your significant other has sent you three texts throughout the day and you do not want the next text to read “you are so lame, it is over,” then I suggest responding more often. Put some thought into it.
Recap: be cool, text others as you would like others to text you, use personality always, and do your best to avoid ambiguous messages. If you can accomplish these things, you will greatly increase your communication skills. Then watch in amazement as the openness in your relationships, level of trust, ease of heart, and connection with others greatly increases.
Good Luck,
Cleo
Reinforcement
Posted on: January 28, 2011
- In: From Me to You | Loving Single | Men
- 1 Comment
How come I didn’t know I was beautiful, until you told me?
I didn’t know you liked my lips until you kissed them…
and then kissed them again.
I didn’t know time could pass so slowly without you next to me.
I didn’t know what it felt like to be seen,
until you looked at me…
and didn’t look away.
-//-
But maybe I do the same to you?
I see the way you smile when I catch your eye.
I feel how you hold your breath when I kiss your neck.
I know my stupid jokes make you laugh,
and even though we may not speak, I sense your mind swirling with thoughts of me.
-//-
Each moment enriches the next,
and I feel a little prettier with each one.
<3,
Cleo
Liberate Me, Baby
Posted on: January 22, 2011
For some odd reason, I have always associated the word “liberate” with the image of a topless hippie frolicking through a field of colorful flowers with a loyal following of birds circling her, like in the Sleeping Beauty (my favorite!).
There is something liberating about crisp air on your nipples, am I right?? Anyway, I have been feeling so liberated lately (in an emotional sense- not in a hippie way) and I love it. Compared to a year ago, my ability to maintain inner peace throughout most any circumstance has grown exponentially. If I did not know better, I would say that I feel immortal and invincible- Cleo, the Goddess of Fortitude and Liberation.
It is such a delicious, engrossing feeling- like the first time you ever saw the ocean, right after you finish a great workout, or when a hot man put his lips softly on your ear. It is better than being drunk or on any mixture of drugs… because it is the real thing. You can always trust in the real thing. So why would we ever let anything interfere with this elation?
The sad reality is that in this life, it is all too easy to surrender your freedom. For example, I used to think that I was afraid of love because I was afraid of getting hurt. I dated guys that I knew were not the best match for me or that did not capture my full attention, mostly because I was bored and wanted to keep life fresh. Not saying I regret it, but it was not the least bit fulfilling. A year and a half ago, I decided that I was ready to try the real thing- to be vulnerable and finally let someone control my heart. The problem was that I went about it the wrong way.
Just because you are ready (or think you are ready) for love, does not mean you will find it. Being bored or lonely and convincing yourself that you are in love does not mean you really are. Not being afraid to be vulnerable does not mean you are strong. We can not forget to maintain our rationality. How can you possibly “love” someone you just started dating? How can you plan a future with someone if you are so uncertain about the nature of the relationship today? How can you except someone to love you if you are so uncomfortable being yourself?
It can be very challenging to maintain control over your emotions and retain liberation when you let your guard down and are at the mercy of another. But do not worry… I have been working tirelessly on finding a solution to balance letting someone in while keeping a stronghold on your ability to frolic.
First- what are the enemies of liberation and why do we invite them into our lives?
Any time you feel anxious, indecisive, insecure, awkward, guilty, regretful, jealous, lonely, addicted, depressed, and/or obsessed, you are fostering emotions that are potentially dangerous. For me, any combination of these emotions is enough to take over my mind and cage my personality. Being caged does not make me feel like frolicking.
I find that most of these emotions only enter my life when I let them- when I do not make a conscious effort to shut them out. All of these emotions are instinctual at times, thus it becomes our job to recognize when they exist and to properly distinguish them.
Sometimes these negative emotions sneak up on me when I am exhausted, over worked, bored, or hung over. But more often then not, it is when I am sitting, waiting, wishing (jack johnson) for something I have no control over, i.e. whether you will one day love me, if I will ever be happy with my job, if I will make lots of money, when I wish I could change my reflection, if I can trust you to be with me tomorrow and forever. Placing a void in your life on someone else to fill is a burden that no one can successfully accomplish. Only you can ensure your own liberation… but unfortunately, that is easier said than done. The idea of being taken care of, looked after, praised, and worshiped can be all too tempting.
Second- how do we ward off the enemies to ensure long lasting liberation?
As cheesy as it sounds, positive words, thoughts, and energy are what make the difference. I know it sounds like the advice your mom always gave you when you did not have a prom date a month in advance, but maybe mommy had something right. Soul food, baby. Be proud of yourself all the time. Catch your own eye in the mirror and tell yourself how stunning you are (because you are). Pity the men that do not get to be with you. Reaffirm to yourself that the ones that do should feel lucky. Tell yourself that you are happy when single, dating, or in a relationship over and over until you believe it. Convince yourself that even if the most amazing man in the world does not love you, you will be just as happy without him (because you will). Tell yourself even if you do not believe it now. I do this literally everyday. As a personal testament, it honestly helps so much in building confidence and calming dating anxiety. Everyday I believe it a little more than the last. Similar to the fake it or make it mentality that I subscribe to, the more positive feelings you have toward yourself, the more liberated you will be from the negative. The less negative, the stronger you will be. The stronger you are, the more capable you will be in letting good men in your life and enjoying their company without any fear of how you will be without them- because you will be just fine.
Just as important, surround yourself with like-minded people. It makes it that much easier to stay positive if those around you reinforce your opinions. Encourage each other often. Be affectionate. Give genuine compliments. Listen and be silly. Laugh, laugh, laugh.
We are all in this together,
Cleo
How to Be a Baller
Posted on: January 18, 2011
Despite any specific goals I may have for my life, my ultimate goal is to be a baller. The lucky thing about striving to be a baller is that it is something that any man or woman can successfully accomplish at any point in life. Being a baller is not measured by your physical possessions, your social status, or the size of your boobs. Rather, being a baller is determined by your attitude, the outlook you have on life and subsequently, how you chose to lead it.
This post is inspired by a lady I met the other day at one of my favorite places, Nic’s Martini Lounge in Beverly Hills.
Although I do not know her very well, she came across as a baller for many reasons- and often the most important thing is a first impression!
1. Independent– Her demeanor radiated with independence. First of all, she was at the bar, by herself, drinking a beer. I think of myself as an independent person, but I have yet to go to bar alone (this may be the next thing on my to do list!). Secondly, instead of making the typical LA girl effort to look sexy, slutty, classy, rich, and bitchy at the same time, she was natural, approachable, and completely comfortable in her own (plastic-free) skin. Lovely.
2. Sociable– She did not delay in sparking a conversation. Instead of playing the all too common I-don’t-know-you-so-I-don’t-see-you card, she was quick to crack a joke, incur a laugh, and form an easy connection with another woman. Unique.
3. Successful– She was buying her own drinks. I am starting to realize that talking to some men is just not worth the free drink. Therefore, I definitely appreciate a woman that supports herself and is not looking for a man to take care of her.
4. Confident– She definitely had an I-am-me-and-I-don’t-care-if-you-like-me attitude. The tricky thing with this is that there is a fine line between confident and stuck-up. The reason she was not “stuck up” is that she was also a good listener and steered away from the I-am-me-and-you-suck-because-you’re-not attitude. It is challenging to be confident and likable, but a baller masters this well.
5. Care-free– By talking to her, it was easy to tell that she has a light-hearted outlook on life and is proactive in tackling challenges. No self-pity here.
6. Charismatic– Genuine charisma is contagious. Having a playful, fun-loving, charming, witty personality makes you memorable. I know I like being memorable.
It is a little silly how a random lady at a bar made such an impression on me and inspired me to keep striving to be a baller (could it have been my dirty martini??).
Regardless, here are some other things that classify someone’s lifestyle as ballin’:
– Balances being sexy with having morals and manners.
– Handles life’s challenges with maturity.
– Values relationships.
– Follows ethical standards.
– Is candid yet tasteful in words and actions.
– Has goals and is focused on attaining them (even if your goal is just to find some goals!).
– Is physically healthy.
What does being a baller in a relationship/dating look like?
1. A baller is never “waiting.” A baller does not wait to be approached, does not wait by the phone, does not wait for commitment, and does not wait for acceptance. If a baller wants something, she goes out and gets it. If that is not an option, a baller is content in today and focused on tomorrow. To me, “waiting” implies that there is a void, a need, or that something is missing. On the other hand, patience is where nothing is needed or missing- instead it is the essential time period before a new opportunity arises and baller embraces that time.
2. A baller is moving forward. Always improving, always learning. For a baller, there is no “out of my league.” Two ballers in a relationship are constantly bettering each other in healthy competition and support.
3. A baller accepts reality. Not all relationships will last, and that is more than okay.
A baller mindset is fun! It helps in acknowledging the good in life, the opportunities ahead, and aids in greater self-confidence. The only thing you can control in life is your attitude and how you react to the unpredictable.
Take care,
Cleo
Cleo's Dating Blog 